Getting in trouble

I didn't get in trouble much because I was an ok kid and I hated getting in trouble. You, my dear, are much the same. The problem with that is that little trouble seems like Big Trouble because you haven't had enough of it to know the difference. If you're not getting fired or locked up, it's probably not that big of a deal.

Don't interfere

Gah! People getting up in your business is the most annoying thing ever. Don't be one of those people. There is a huge, huge, HUGE, difference between offering help and being a pest by getting in the middle of things. Think about it this way: if something is so jacked up and complicated that you think maybe you should jump in and do something, ask yourself if adding another person to mix is going to make things even more complicated. Yeah, three people fiddling is going to be harder to sort out than two.

Get to know the people close to you

I'm not entirely sure where to start because, well, I should have figured this one out way sooner. We are related to some pretty cool people that have done some pretty cool things. Things that we will not ever know about because they have died and we didn't get to know them when they were here. I mean, of course we knew them, but only in the small-talk-at-Easter sort of way. Some of the really cool things my grandfather did, I didn't know about until he was being eulogized. That is just too damn late. There was a whole side to him that I didn't know much at all about, could have learned from, or could have just enjoyed hearing him tell the stories. I could have spent more time with him, but was too busy, figured there was always next time, blah blah blah. Just lame.

My grandma died when I was young, so did my other grandpa. Too young to really know them. Then I squandered the time I had with the ones that were here until just recently.

I've only mentioned family so far, but it's true of good friends as well. There were some people that I should have kept in touch with and didn't. Now it's twenty years later and I'm just now catching up. That's a long time lost.

I'm not saying you should know every last detail about everyone. There's no way I would spend more than a 'hi' on Uncle Useless. Jeez, he's only good for a lame joke at Thanksgiving and Christmas and it's at his expense. You know pretty well who is worth the effort.

Sorry if this sounds morbid, I really don't mean it to. I just want to make the point that you don't know what the future holds for you, so you have to make the most of Now and the people here with you.

Don't Wait

You don't know how long you've got or if your opportunity to do something you really want to do has a smaller window than you think. So don't wait, just do it.

Not to sound like a liquor store hat, but...

shit happens. When it does, I suggest you laugh about it.

We've been stuck in the house due to snow for, oh, five days now. There was nothing to be done about it, except shovel snow and hope that some day the sun would come out again. It finally did and boy was there a mess to clean up. Nearly four feet of snow to clear off the deck, the shed, from around and on top of the car, a path to dig from the front door to the driveway and on to the street, blah blah blah. Finally, finally, it's all done. The car won't start, battery is too low. Back to shoveling out the shed so I can get the extension cords and the battery charger. (Doesn't that sound like an awesome idea? 'Hey, I bet if I string together enough extension cords across the snow and wet ground, I can hook up the battery charger!') Hook it up without getting shocked or blowing up the car and let it charge. Because putting the charger on the wet ground sounded bad, I opened the trunk. Bad idea. The ice sheet on top of the car slides off, right on to the open hood, bending the crap out of the prop rod and wedging between the windshield and partially open hood.

Talk about ridiculous. I had to hold the hood open with my head to clear the ice out of the engine compartment, disconnect the charger, put the cover back on the battery, and try to straighten the prop rod. If the neighbors had been watching, it would have been good entertainment for them. Anyway, I got the ice cleared, removed the jacked up prop rod, and started the car. Hurray! Then laughed while I told Tash what had happened.

Actually, this is one lesson that I did learn early on. Junior high, I had a generally bad week. Then came the day where someone told the bully that I stole his clothes from his gym locker (not true), so he promptly reciprocated. Then at lunch, one of my friends had trouble opening a milk carton until, of course, it opened all at once, all over me. So there I was wearing dorky PE clothes covered in milk. And I started laughing at how ridiculous it all was.

See Don't Panic and Be Prepared.

How could I forget this?

Maybe it never occurred to me because it just came naturally, I don't know. You grew up more or less as a single child, so your if-I-go-any-farther-I'll-end-up-in-deep-shit sense is probably underdeveloped. As you know, I have two younger brothers. These clowns got into more trouble than I did not necessarily because they got into more stuff that would get them in trouble (they did), but because they didn't know when to stop. I had a pretty good sense of when to quit before my ass ended up in a sling. They didn't.

Here's a fun example: When we were kids, summer vacations were usually hot and boring. Two of our neighbors had pools. So what do hot, bored kids do when they don't have a pool of their own? Well, they might eat Otter Pops by the box load, but sooner or later they are going into a pool. The plan was flawless. Throw ball over fence as a pretense for being in a backyard not your own. If someone yelled, obviously they were home and you were not getting in a pool. Otherwise, slip into the pool, don't stay too long, and don't attract attention. Worked perfect. Then I got a feeling that things were going to go sour pretty soon (you can only get away with something for so long) and stopped hopping the fence for a swim.

My brothers, however, thought it was a good idea to invite their friends over to swim. I watched them parade past my bedroom window, beach towels and all. And shortly after, I watched them shuffle past with heads hung and knew they had been busted. Which meant I had been busted, too, because no way were my brothers going to take the fall.

So what's the point of all this? Know when enough is enough and learn to spot people that don't know when enough is enough. You'll keep yourself out of trouble and keep others from getting you into trouble.

Cold winters suck

It has only taken me eight years to realize this, so I'm hoping that you get it quicker. Snow sucks, cold rain sucks, cold sucks period. Aim for the subtropics, people there consider the 60s to be a cold snap. And that sounds just about perfect to me.

Don't Panic

I don't think I can elaborate on 'The Hitchhiker's Guide,' I just think it is really good advice. Panicking gets you nowhere, except in a deeper mess. So if you find yourself on a spaceship with some dude with two heads and an ex-boyfriend, I promise you will be better off slowing things down and evaluating the situation rather than shouting 'What the hell is that?' and 'Why does that guy have two heads?'

Be persistent

Don't be a pain in the ass. I am definitely Not saying that. However, if you want to show that you are truly interested in something--a class, a job, a room at the cool house, writing the next Great American Blog--keep at it. Turn up once a week, put some time in daily, whatever it takes (without being a PITA). People tend to take you seriously if you are willing to invest time in something that doesn't pay off immediately.

Oh retail, you heartless soul-crushing temptress

When you need a job--which is like all the time by the way so get cracking on that--retail is not a bad option. You don't go home smelling like french fries, the hours are flexible, you get paid to swipe a piece of paper over a laser and make change. Hell, you don't even have to figure out the change, the register will tell you! Too easy, right? Right, so the pay sucks, you learn how dim the general public can be, and you spend ages thinking about how you really should be doing something better. So take the job if it is there (hey, money doesn't grow on trees), add to your flair collection and apply at Friday's. If you're going to be in the retail/service industry, go where they get fat tips. Then you can finish up all those degrees, get a job as a professor, and enjoy the huge office and teaching students that hang on your every word.

Just don't hang on to that retail/service job for too long. Ask me about ruts and why working smarter is always better than working harder sometime.

Be prepared

Have a Plan A and a Plan B. If you need a Plan C, well, you're probably already hosed. Things rarely work out the way you want them to, but if you've already thought about how things are going to go badly and what you can do anyway you will be in good shape.

How to spot bullshit 4: Motivation

This one is tough, because it requires enough experience with people to be able to read them and deduce possible reasons they may want to pull something over on you. I worked in retail for a long time (too long, dammit, but that's another topic) and got to interact with lots of people from all walks of life. Being that it was auto parts and then heavy equipment, a significant portion came from the dodgy end of the spectrum.

The most basic motivation is to dupe you into giving up more than you would have, given a normal transaction. That means the other person thinks that they are more clever than you or conversely, that you are dumber than they are. Otherwise, why bother? Don't be stupid, problem solved. Ok, that's not so helpful, so if you think something is rotten in the state of Denmark don't go along with it.

If getting one over on you is the mother of all bullshittery, then any other motivation boils down to that as well. Ask yourself, "what do they want from me that they can't just ask for?" Then you play Holmes and look for clues to tip you off to the specifics. Friday afternoon and someone stops by to chat with a manila envelope bulging at the seams? People in class sitting next to you suddenly after you aced the last exam? Dude wants to buy you a drink?

Hmm, I guess it's not that tough after all. Unless you are really playing Holmes and want to show the bullshitter that not only are you not falling for it, but that they should get back to work and finish that TPS report if they want any chance at having a weekend.